Someone asked for this

3 cups a day, you caffeinated gremlin. Aggressively average. The beige hatchback of caffeine consumption.

Drip coffee from the office pot nobody has cleaned since the company was founded. That's not coffee, that's archaeology.

Coffee immediately after waking. Your eyes open and your hand is already reaching, like a zombie that's found a very specific brain.

'Completely fine' without coffee. Sure, you caffeinated gremlin. And the eye twitch is just you winking at everyone. Constantly. At funerals.

And you openly judge other people's coffee. You. A drip drinker. That's like a raccoon critiquing table manners. Sit down. Actually, you can't — the caffeine is vibrating your skeleton.

Thank you for your confession. It changed nothing. You're still like this.